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Thursday, December 13, 2007 at Thursday, December 13, 2007

I'm really really really so down... aih~ i just hope God can heal me.. just wished anything that can heal me.. but whats the use? im not the one that matters.. its my gf.. aih~ I've hurt her so badly.. day after day... =(

I really should have known to not promise something i couldn't do.. again and again.. i did it.. I broke her heart until the day that it Hurt the most.. I'm so lost.. I cant even believe myself that i did such a thing to hurt her so badly~ She couldn't stop crying..

I really cant forgive myself... and what did i thought of doing? yes.. killing myself. but it was when at the time i was thinking... There is one day i went to this Church Service.. I've heard of some experiences from other people.. Then, i was thinking the same thing. How could i waste my life just like that when i know that my Mom gave birth to me so hard.. and when God gave me this chance to Learn, To Live, and To Love.

Haiz.. im really confused.. Im very confused that if i really Love her so much how could i hurt her so badly..? i cannot loose her.. I loose her I'll feel that i loose everything in my life. I really couldn't even imagine one day without her.. It's really heart painful.

I really cannot stand it that day that she cried and couldn't stop.. she said that she's really really so hurt.. and dont want me to promise her anything anymore.. When i heard that sentence.. i was really.... aih~ u noe.. but i know that i deserve that. i really do.

Until i really really want to make things right.. i kept telling her to trust me this one last really just one last time to let me proof that i will change. I'm doing it.. just that its like.. its not so.. still like that.. im really worried i would do it again.. I kept reminding myself how hurt would she be if i did it again.. I never wanna do it again.. i really cant let her be hurt again..

Day after day i've been waiting just to go out wif her.. i really have no interest going out anywhere else wif my frens.. even though if i go out wif them.. just dont feel so much of a fun or excitement.. i really just kept looking foward going out with her.. i really missed her.. i couldn't stop myself being down awhile missing her so much every single day..

Day after day i've really been hoping that she would say.. Dear.. lets go out together tomorrow or some day.. I kept looking at the calendar.. today is the 13th. Christmas is near.. Continue to wonder when will she want to go out with me.. I really just kept hoping for that day only~ I pray.. even though if its just one day.. even if its on that day of Christmas... It would really bring my hopes up really high back again.. i know she will go out with me.. the thing is just that i kept wondering when is it.. when is it...

Until now.. well, i guess i can say that my life is still going fine.. i really just hope and pray that things really would come back to be like last time again.. i really just hope for that.. i nid some guidence from someone.. Im loosing my Faith..

You're my angel of music. ♥